


wishful drinking

by angrylizardjacket (ephemeralstar)



Series: bless the children of the beast {charlotte & lola AU} [9]
Category: The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Song Lyrics, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:47:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26933104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeralstar/pseuds/angrylizardjacket
Summary: After Charlotte, Peach, and Eileen go missing, everyone else believes they’re dead. Everyone but Lola and Tommy. It’s difficult to cope and hope at the same time, and sometimes it even reopens old wounds.
Relationships: Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley/Original Female Character, Nikki Sixx/Original Female Character(s), Original Female Character(s) & Original Female Character(s), Tommy Lee (Mötley Crüe) & Original Female Character(s), Tommy Lee (Mötley Crüe)/Original Female Character(s)
Series: bless the children of the beast {charlotte & lola AU} [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1685215
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	wishful drinking

**Author's Note:**

> Wow a song fic, christ. Loosely based on Wishful Drinking by Tessa Violet which just gives me so many emotions about Lola. Ido believe this is the single angstiest thing I’ve ever written on this blog. @misscharlottelee @peachonscreen I’m so very sorry this is so sad and dark jfc. 

_separate me from the rest of the herd so I can run away from all of my hurt oh_

_drink what I want, be what I want, say what you want me to say like I can pretend that I don’t wanna end I’m afraid_

_I’m dangerous_

Everyone keeps saying they’re dead, but there’s no proof so how can they sound so certain?

Lola’s already halfway through a bottle of rum, as Charlotte’s parents scowl their way through a list of rules that sound more like demands, of what the band is and isn’t allowed to do at Charlotte’s funeral. For which their is no body. Lola rolls her eyes and takes another drink.

This is the second speech like this that they’ve had to sit through this week, since Peach and Eileen’s parents seemed equally sceptical of the band’s ability to behave appropriately at their daughters’ funeral. Which was a farce with no bodies. Lola takes another drink and squeezes her eyes shut.

Nikki’s got a hand on her thigh, and Tommy’s got an arm around her, the three of them squeezed onto a sofa probably built for two.

Nikki was fucked up out of his mind on more drugs than Lola had ever known him to take. Losing Charlotte had broken something inside of him, and when Lola had told him that she and the other girls had gone missing, he’d sworn until his voice was hoarse, crying more genuinely than she’d ever seen him do before. He was terrified of being lucid, of remembering his reality and reacting like that again.

_“I wasn’t… I was never in love with Charlie, but I really did love her, you know, like I love Tommy; he’s like my brother, but she… she was good for us. Better than any of us ever deserved.”_

Lola takes another drink.

Tommy’s lucid and full of rage, two cans of beer and a line of coke before lunch is all he takes now since she’s gone, high off anger, demanding people find her, reading maps, triangulating where she could possibly have gotten lost, trying to put together search parties. He, like Lola, won’t believe she’s gone until he knows for certain, but unlike Lola, he won’t take ’ _her plane disappeared in the mountains of another country, there’s nothing we can really do, I’m so sorry’_ asan answer.

He holds Lola tighter when Charlotte’s parents level a teary-eyed glare at him and spit that he’s not allowed to start spouting his conspiracy bullshit about her still being alive, at the funeral. He squeezes his eyes shut and turns, pressing his face into Lola’s hair and heaving an irritated sigh.

“I know,” Lola mumbles back, words spilling into each other. Tommy’s breathing is deep and level in a way that’s completely controlled, like he’s working on subduing his feelings. Nikki gives Lola’s thigh a squeeze, but she’s not quite sure if he meant to, it could have been a hand twitch. Lola leans against Tommy just a little more, “I know.”

She takes another drink.

None of them are allowed to make a speech; Charlotte’s mother and Tommy’s sister will both be reading eulogies, but if any of the band speaks up, they will be removed from the ceremony.

“What about Razzle?” Vince is the one to speak up, and Lola’s breath catches in her throat.

“Nicholas…” Charlotte’s mother finally softens her tone, and casts a look to her father, a silent question.

“Nicholas will do his best to prepare an address, but has also told us that he will decide on the day if he will be able to present it,” its the fairest thing they’ve said all day. Their sensitivity to Razzle and his situation keeps Lola from hurling her bottle at them; if they’d shit-talked Charlotte’s grieving fiance, she’d have no qualms beating up her missing friend’s parents there and then. Instead, all Lola can picture is Razzle, overwhelmingly upset to the point that he can’t even bring himself to read a eulogy at his fiance’s sham of a funeral.

As much as Lola believes its a sham, she won’t push that on Razzle, either way, Charlotte’s not here; it hurts like a fresh wound, she can’t even begin to imagine how he must be feeling if he really believes she’s gone for good.

Lola’s bottle is emptying quickly.

“Is Penny okay?” Vince asks, voice soft and concerned for the missing woman’s two-year-old daughter.

“She’s with Nicholas,” Charlotte’s mother says, but tears well in her eyes and the words catch in her throat. Charlotte’s father puts his arm around her, drawing her in close.

“She keeps asking for Charlotte,” his voice cracks, “and… and none of us know what to tell her.”

_weave a story so I don’t have to talk, no, it’s not a problem if I never get caught oh_

_drink what I want, be what I want, say what you want me to say like I can pretend that I don’t wanna end I’m afraid_

_I’m dangerous_

Charlotte would either be right furious, or annoyingly understanding, about the fact that Lola is wine drunk and trying to act sober at her funeral. But if Charlotte has a problem with Lola’s behaviour at her sham funeral, she should come home and tell Lola herself.

The only people who Lola isn’t glowering at are Razzle and Penny. Razzle’s in the quietest outfit she’s ever seen him in, all black, not a hint of flair or personality, and Penny’s been put in a little, frilly black dress, with a black headband which she has thrown on the ground, since she’s in the middle of a screaming fit.

Razzle is desperately trying to hold himself together while Penny demands to see her mother at the top of her lungs. Tommy, for all he loathes the pageantry of this funeral, feeling as though it’s being put on to make Charlotte’s extended friends and family feel less guilty about giving up the search for her, has nothing but kindness and gentle understanding for the man he considered to practically be his brother-in-law.

Kneeling in front of where Razzle’s bouncing Penny on his knee, Tommy lays a gentle hand on his other knee, and when Razzle looks to him, as if startled out of focusing entirely on his daughter, there’s tears in his eyes. He can’t even form words, mouth opening and closing like a fish, but he quickly stills moving Penny, who tries to throw herself on him, her little fists beating his hands insistently, somehow getting louder with her demands.

“I miss mommy! I want mommy!”

Tommy quickly scoops Penny from her father’s hands, and Razzle doesn’t stop him, just looks on with a painfully helpless expression, like he’s not sure what to do with himself now. Tommy chatters away to Penny, hugging her as he takes her to walk around in the sunshine, away from the other guests, and Razzle’s lip trembles as his eyes refuse to focus on anything but the beautiful picture of Charlotte her parents chose to display for the event.

Right as he bursts into tears, Lola slides into the seat beside him. No words pass between them, but she wraps him up in a hug, and he holds her tight in response, nails digging into her, apologies babbles almost incoherently, and Lola feels a wave of guilt sweep through her.

The night she’d found out Charlotte had gone missing, she’d gone to Razzle’s hotel in tears, full of fury, looking for answers, for _anything,_ knowing only that he and Charlotte had fought right before Charlotte, Peach, and Eileen had taken the spontaneous flight on which they had gone missing. She’d blamed him, at the time, for Charlotte leaving. She’d blamed him, at the time, for Charlotte going missing.

Lola whispers apologies back as best she can in her quietly drunken state, rubbing his back, wishing she’d thought to being her flask; maybe it would have helped ease some of his pain, she knew it definitely would have eased some of hers.

She can’t find the words to tell him that she knows its not his fault, not before Tommy comes back right before the ceremony starts, and sits himself on Razzle’s other side, Penny quiet in his arms.

When Razzle turns to see his daughter, he sees her reach out with both her arms, asking for a hug. Razzle holds her close, holds her tight, and looks to Tommy with question in his eyes.

“Told her that it was like when you went back to Finland to make music, but a bit longer.”

“Momma was sad,” Penny’s little voice was muffled against Razzle as she refused to let go of her father. Tommy nodded sagely, and Razzle’s lip trembled.

“Charlie needed a lot of hugs from Pennylope while you were away; told Penny that you’d need a lot of hugs too, now.” Tommy’s voice was quiet, his tone gentle like he was still explaining to Penny, and Razzle pulled his daughter back a little, giving her as much of a smile as he could muster.

“You’re too good to me, Pennylope; I _do_ need a lot of hugs,” and he holds her close again, taking a deep, shake breath, “I’m never gonna let you go.”

_oh, wishful drinking_

_tell myself that I’m not thinking bout how I could drown_

_drown drown drown_

_wishful drinking_

Perhaps part of the reason why Lola can’t believe Charlotte’s really dead is the fact that Lola had kind of always assumed Charlotte would outlive her. Its morbid, but its not ab inherently false assumption to make, considering Lola drinks probably more spirits than water and gets into fights for fun. Statistically, she should already be dead. So why was she at a funeral for Charlotte.

She finishes her glass of wine and reminds herself firmly that the funeral’s a sham.

She can’t actually remember how she got to the bar of the hotel that she and Nikki we’re staying at in Charlotte and Tommy’s home town, but a majority of the people from the funeral were there, to drink and pay their final respects, so Lola assumes one of them had brought her.

She sits at the bar and orders drinks in rapid succession, while Tommy mulls over the same glass of JD for half an hour beside her while chain-smoking and people watching. It feels like they’re the only two on the same page, knowing intrinsically that Charlotte’s still out there any everyone who refuses to believe that is betraying her.

“Why her?” Lola mumbles into her drink.

“She’s not dead, don’t you start talking like she is, too,” Tommy frowns into his glass. Lola finishes her drink and pushes it out of the way as she rests her arms on the bar, and her head on her arms, looking at Tommy with a strangely blank expression.

“I know, but she’s still not here; why any of them? None of them deserve it, deserve to be missing, deserve to have people stop caring about looking for them,” Lola’s brow creased into the barest frown, “but if people knew that they weren’t gone and were just missing, just needed to be found, they’d know they still need the girls,” and she gives a forlorn sigh, “they don’t deserve this, people still need them.”

Behind her, Tommy sees where all of Hanoi Rocks has crowded into a booth with Razzle to keep him company, doing their best to cheer him, to comfort him, each of them taking it in turn to entertain Penny, who was overjoyed at seeing her band-uncles again. The picture looked incomplete without Charlotte.

“Why them?” Lola said softly, sitting back up and ordering another drink, and Tommy hears what she really means this time, the way she implies _‘it should have been me_ ’.

_go ahead and stop your thinking now_

_and throw it down_

_down down down_

_wishful drinking now_

Lola develops a new game over the following weeks, where every time someone mentions Charlotte, she takes a shot. Or four.

Nikki’s getting back to normal faster than Lola is, just says that Charlie wouldn’t want to see them moping around.

Vince and Mick, still shaken by the loss of Peach and Eileen respectively, agree.

Tommy’s still looking for ways to try and find them in his spare time, but focuses on the band so Charlotte will be able to come back and be proud; something about his reasoning makes bile rise in the back of Lola’s throat for reasons she can’t quite put her finger on.

Lola drinks, because she’s come to realise she’s useless. She doesn’t have the actual band resources to put into helping find the girls, and Doc only keeps her on the payroll because the band won’t let him fire her, he doesn’t need an assistant.

The only person she would felt safe talking about all of this to was missing.

So Lola drinks.

What else is there to do?

_hide your demons where no one can see em, outta sight but in your mind you believe em_

_drink what you want, be what they want, say what they want you to say like I can pretend that I don’t wanna end I’m afraid_

_I’m dangerous_

Lola knows now why Tommy’s desperate playing to make sure Charlotte’s happy upon her return makes Lola feel sick.

He kept mentioning it, kept asking whether the others thought their new album would be as good as their old stuff, the stuff Charlotte liked, and Nikki had snapped, fed up.

Lola had been in the kitchen when he’d started yelling that she wasn’t coming back, and when Tommy hollered that he was an asshole at the top of his lungs.

“If she was alive, she’d be here! But she’s fucking not!” Nikki’s words rung through the air and were met with stunned silence, “you know why she’s not here?” He hissed venomously, and Lola drops the glass she’d been holding, recognising that tone from almost a decade ago.

Nikki, in the present, snaps that its because Charlotte’s gone for good, but Lola doesn’t hear that. Lola hears her mother.

Lola hears that her father’s never coming back because she’s a disappointment, because shes not good enough, or kind enough, or talented enough.

The wrong wires connect in Lola’s brain in a way that’s all too familiar, in a way that makes her scars ache and tears well in her eyes.

And in another moment its gone, and Lola sees the shards on the ground and knows that Charlotte would hate a dirty kitchen. She sweeps them up.

Later, Tommy will find her, and before he can even open his mouth, she’s holding his face in her hands, reassuring him that Charlotte would love their new music. His expression brightens, and he kisses her in thanks; something eases in Lola’s chest.

No matter where Charlotte is, Lola will never let Tommy believe what was beaten into her for years, she’ll never let him believe that he is the reason Charlotte’s not here. Nobody deserves to believe that… And yet a voice in the back of Lola’s mind tells her she has to do better, for Charlotte.

The voice sounds like her mother’s.

_do you think do you think that they notice_

_I keep a bottle by my bed it’s the focus_

_drink what I want, be what I want, say what you want me to say like I can pretend that I don’t wanna end I’m afraid_

_I’m dangerous_

After a while, Doc stops praising Lola for showing up to the studio on time and sober - she’s absolutely not sober, but she’s also not had enough to drink for it to effect her composure. When he stops praising her, she worries that he knows she’s always a little buzzed, and then she gets annoyed, thinking that he’s just an asshole. It takes her a full week to realise that it’s neither, in fact, its just that she’s been doing it consistently enough that he’s come to expect it of her.

People note her improved work ethic, compliment her even, and its nice, and she knows that if Charlotte were here that she’d be saying nice things right along side everyone else.

Nikki had been right, Charlotte wouldn’t want to mope around, so Lola had to actually do well so when Charlotte came back, she could prove that she hadn’t been moping.

Sometimes that voice in the back of her mind gets harsh, tells her she’s not doing enough, but Lola reminds that voice that Charlotte would roll her eyes at Lola’s antics, but she’d somehow always be understanding in the end. Lola didn’t need to be perfect, she just needed to be better.

And she was!

She takes a shot to quiet the voice down in those moments anyways, just for good measure.

No-one seems to notice if she’s four shots in before noon, one more won’t hurt.

_this is not a problem if I don’t want it to stop_

_can’t call it a problem if I never let a plate drop_

_this is not a problem if convincing that it’s not_

_don’t call it a problem it’s the only thing that I still got_

Nikki is spiralling into his heroin addiction of his own accord, but Lola knows Charlotte would think they’re both better than that; Lola won’t be able to convince Nikki, but she can keep herself away from it.

Her job’s going well, and she and Tommy are still close, and she is allowed to babysit Penny on nights when Vince takes Razzle out partying. Its trust earned, that she never would have been able to earn if she hadn’t been trying to do good for when Charlotte gets back.

But the world goes to hell in a single night.

What the fuck are they meant to tell Penny?

Her dad is dead.

Another thing Charlotte can’t come back to.

Turns out they don’t have to be the ones to tell Penny; Razzle’s parents come to pick up her and their son’s body, and though Tommy begs for them not to take her, they’re terrified of her ending up just like her parents -

“Charlotte’s not dead -”

“Wake up, Thomas, you’re putting false hope into this girl’s head, it’ll ruin her mind if you don’t let her live in reality!” Razzle’s mother spits, while his father has already taken Penny out to the car to take her to the airport.

Tommy’s in tears when he calls Lola.

The pair of them are _devastated_.

Why would Charlotte come back here if Penny and Razzle weren’t here? The only person she’d loved more than Razzle was Penny, and now they were both -

“Lo, what’s the point?”

“The point?”

“Of being all good and shit, for Charlie?”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s not gonna come back to us,” Tommy sighed, sniffling, “she’s out there, but she’d go to Penny before any of us, and now…”

“Please don’t say that,” Lola’s voice trembled, her heart beating in an erratic staccato in her chest.

“There’s nothing worth coming back here for -”

Lola drops the receiver, curling in on herself, shaking all over as his words play over and over and over in her mind while all she can think about is the fact that yet again, she’s not enough for someone she loved and felt safe with.

She’s gasping for air, chest tight and tears stinging her eyes, heart beating in her ears while she’s shaking like a leaf, in the full throes of a panic attack.

It takes her a long while to calm down, to ground herself in the feel of the carpet beneath her and the sound of the ocean outside, and the cars and the wind and the smell of the sea.

The first thing she does after she stands, is to get a drink, and then another, and then another, then to take the bottle into the bedroom, in to Nikki.

“Babe -?” He sees her red rimmed eyes first as she jostles him awake, and he wants to ask questions.

“I need something to get me out of my fuxking mind, please, anything,” she begs, lip trembling as she tries to focus on Nikki and not Tommy’s words on loop in her mind.

“You sure?”

“Anything, the world is a fucking nightmare, and nothing fucking matters,” and Nikki leans over to his nightstand, opening the drawer and pulling out a kit Lola knew was his heroin kit. Now it didn’t seem like a bad choice.

“Is this about Razz?” Nikki asks, making quick work of preparing the drug for her. Lola swallows hard, and sits on the bed.

“Neither of them fucking deserved it,” and Nikki knows immediately that she’s referring to both Charlotte and Razzle, and he pauses, “the world needs people like them.”

The room is very quiet for the few moments where Nikki cooks the powder to a liquid, pulling it up into his syringe. He instructs Lola on how to tie off her arm, and carefully injects her after double checking that its what she wanted.

As the tie around her arm is loosened, and the drug hits, Lola laughs, but there’s no humour in it, her head tipping back, bottle still clutched firmly in her other hand.

“Its a fucking joke that the world is stuck with people like me.”


End file.
